This is so SPOT ON! Right along with giving kids phones at 10, I'm hoping the collective parenting world starts to aim back in time, a bit. Kids need to be kids.
Yes, it's like a couple of parents up the ante with the phones and the sports and the [insert thing here]. We were all prepared for peer pressure in our teens, but it really does continue into adulthood.
Fun?! What’s fun? You can’t put “fun” on a college application!
*actually, I’ll bet if someone wrote a killer essay about this exact topic and how they purposefully chose to have fun and try new things, they would get into the college of their choice. I will help anyone whose kid wants to write this essay, for real!
This was so good, Molly. It takes courage to write on topics like these, there's just so many emotions involved.
I've watched wearily as a family member has gone full into club sports and thus is unavailable for gatherings and parties because they're once again traveling to xyz for a necessary game. My kids are still little, so I think it's probably easy for me to fall into a place of judgment. Still, because of our family size and thus the limitations on cost, there is no way we could participate in this many events.
Yes, easy for us to say when our kids aren't quite at this age! But I do know that I personally don't think spending all our time/money/energy on one activity feels like something we as a family need. It's just a lot of pressure on everyone. I want to these kids to try different sports, learn to cook/clean, be bored, have an after school/summer job, etc. Also understanding that their parents are people, not Ubers/personal assistants (even though this is how I feel A LOT!).
Yes!! I feel you and I'm not even a parent! I hope more parents choose differently. Love the description of your high school job. I remember those days!
We have disagreed with many parents as they tell us your 9 year old twins can’t play LaCrosse, Softball, Hockey, Tennis and Gymnastics they have to specialize. I say they love sports and trying new sports. They are sports kids and thrive. We feel that they can try it all and be the feral country kids they are playing independently for days at a time. And hike the superior trail one block at a time. Be part of kindness club and 4-H. Try it all figure out what you love-meet different people.
I have done so many things I said I wouldn’t do as a parent (I have full adult kiddos now too). I said I wouldn’t do their laundry forever and yet here I am being too lazy to teach them and would rather do it myself. I have fed my kids tacos or chicken nuggets 4 nights a week because they eat it and I’m tired. I said I would never miss something and yet I ditch out on field days-class trips-some sports events. I could go on-ha.
I'm sorry, but why are we trying to get kids to "specialize" in a sport? Do we think they're going to go pro? How many professional athletes do you know? FWIW, I love your approach!
Things I said I'd never do: Drive a minivan. Feed my kids the same shitty processed foods over and over. Excessive screen time. And for myself... let's just say I buy most of my shoes at an old person orthopedic shop.
My Moms friend told her I prayed my girls wouldn’t be stunningly beautiful just average. People expect more from you if you are stunning. I really took that to heart and have thought I Average is good. Average is fun. If you are having fun then we are good. It’s no longer fun then after your commitment is over we are done or maybe even right away depending on the situation.
I also said no Mini van however I miss mine-with two kids in college I couldn’t justify a new one when my 20 year old van died-first time in a 5 seat vehicle in 20 years.
BORING and AVERAGE is underrated! I love my boring life!
Between you and me, often I find really really ridiculously good looking people are actually pretty dull because they don't need to have great personalities. Is that the most judgmental thing you've read in awhile??
My husband loves our minivan. I like it fine, but prefer our zippy little VW wagon. :)
I was so nervous to even post this because people take sorts so seriously. It becomes the entire ecosystem for many families. Sports teach lessons, but so do many other things like reading and cooking and volunteering and hanging out in the woods. I haven’t heard of that book but will check it out!
Your piece took me inside the problem so vividly, and explained to me why my granddaughter didn't continue in gymnastics. Not just because we, even as an extended family, couldn't afford to continue paying $500 per month for her to merely participate, much less pay to compete (and excel *beyond belief* when she did, btw). But because her single working mom of 5 kids was already exhausted from. . . well, we can all do the math. A born gymnast, too, from Day 1.
Yep, the cost of activities is so prohibitively expensive for so many people. The time/energy/financial investment is only an available to small percentage of kids. Sometimes I wonder if that’s on purpose. 😔
What if your kid has every chance to opt out, but at every turn they want to stay on the team? And isn't a heavy sports schedule exactly the kind of antidote we want for the phone zombie problem?
I guess, yeah, if the kid doesn't want to be there, and/or can't express their true feelings, or if the parent doesn't actually want to be there, I agree--big set of problems.
Yes i agree that if your kid and the parent are aligned— go for it! I feel like there are not a lot of options between specializing in one sport on one end of the spectrum, and being a zombie on screens on the other.
There’s just way less offered in the realm of rec sports or less competitive sports. For a lot of the high school teams, kids (starting in 7th grade!) are showing up to school at 6:30 am to workout before the day starts, and doing a few hours after school, too. What I think is missing is “in between” options for kids and parents who don’t want to devote their lives to sports, or for kids who want to try different sports/activities.
Yeah, so I have 4 kids…The expensive baton twirling and dance lessons worked out with a scholarship and a college she loves. My youngest (7 ) does travel soccer…it’s age appropriate, all games are around the Chicago ‘Burbs. But rec didn’t work for her, she would score 3-4 goals in a 6 minute period and then because of “fairness” rules the coach would make her play goalie, sit her out and tell her she couldn’t score anymore. Which, how do you tell a Kindergarten/First grader that? We do all the things…neighborhood summer swim team, tennis lessons, basketball in fall/winter, volleyball camps etc…no need to pick 1 sport right now. We definitely take it on a kid by kid basis. I agree with the no phones. Once you give a kid a phone you lose them. We don’t do phones for kids until High School.
I think it’s so cool that she’s able to do baton at college! It’s all about doing what’s right for your family, and if the time/financial commitment makes sense. I’ve found that it’s often *me* that’s the problem, where I look around and think “omg am I doing this wrong? Are we missing opportunities? Will my kids be too far behind once they find their thing?!” I find myself having to pause and assess whether or not life is working for everyone in our family— including us as parents, who have to do all the driving/waiting/spectating.
Also there are plenty of things our family spends time and money on that a lot of people wouldn’t— we travel a lot, even just to see family. It can be really stressful and time consuming, but it’s what works for us right now.
I can identify with this. When I grew up my brothers and I were the only kids within a mile and a half. Not that there were many adults within a mile and a half. We played Little League baseball (mostly for the hot dogs afterwards), rode our bikes everywhere, were constantly in the woods, skated on ponds, played hockey on ponds, and never went to any organized sports or camps or programs. There were none.
My kids were involved in youth orchestra and soccer. the music was good -- one child did become a professional musician -- but soccer was often discouraging, expensive and, ultimately, not that important to their lives. And yes, driving from Vermont to West Virginia to get whomped was not my, nor their, idea of fun.
We'll see how long I can keep the restraint going!
As a parent right now, I get so much messaging about how your kids need to do XYZ in order to get into a good college, so they can have a good life. It's like we're taking the fun out of being a kid in pursuit of continuing to not to have fun until you die (with your mountain of student loan debt). Too dark? 😂
For 12 years I ran a nonprofit to help kids write better (and teachers teach writing better). By the end of my time, I had noticed that a lot of the kids participated so they could get published by us (we had 22 newspaper and radio partners that published best work AND an annual anthology). Other organizations noticed the same pattern. It made us sad.
At the beginning of my nonprofit, the kids flocked to us because it was a community, a place to connect with birds of a feather, if you will. That, in my mind, was much healthier.
The external validation of getting recognition for your work is so, so real. I started my Substack for the same reason I originally began my blog of the same name in 2013: for myself. It helped me create a regular writing practice and hone my voice after years of ghostwriting. I am so grateful for it.
That said... sometimes I get lost in the stats, or wondering why people aren't commenting, or why I'm not growing as fast as other people, and whether or not I'm writing things people want to read. And then I have to pause and remember why I am doing this! Doing things for the pure joy of it isn't often rewarded unless you're slowing down and taking a moment to feel the appreciation.
I am literally reading this from a mediocre hotel pool in Boston for my son's hockey tournament. 😂 Both my boys play lots of sports - one is innately much more competitive that the other, so we have lots of conversations about aligning pursuits with each kid's personalities (and of course our interest, willingness, and resources). I have way too many thoughts to put in a comment on Substack (none of them negative or judgemental or harsh). I love that you wrote this. 💛
I can picture the hotel pool perfectly! One thing I know is most parents will do whatever it takes to make their kids happy and fulfilled-- I am like that, too. I just wish we weren't upping the ante all the time, to the point where it feels like kids need to dedicate themselves fully to one thing or do nothing at all. And you touched on the most important thing, which is thinking more conscientiously about aligning pursuits with values/needs. Pausing to reassess is so important and hard to do when it feels like "everyone else is doing it" [as they hand you a cig in the alley behind 7-11].
You're right about some parents doing whatever it takes for a very precarious and unlikely end game. We see a lot of it! And how it can ruin relationships between kids and parents too when kids don't care enough, perform well enough, etc...
Totally. We can all picture that dad with the blood vessel popping in his forehead, screaming at the ref or coach or his own kid. Go to therapy already!
And anytime someone tells me they are "investing" in a college scholarship, I tell them they should instead put their money in a 529 plan. It's a way better investment!
It is so true. Kids at our school are dropping out of the school sports teams because of their traveling teams. And they are in 6th grade! How are you becoming a single-sport athlete at 12?!? So many pro-athletes played multiple sports all through high school, which helped them become more well rounded and probably saved their bodies from overuse for a few more years.
Yes, we're acting like we must give every child a chance to be an teen Olympian. I just don't get the myopic approach here. And it's so much pressure to put on a kid, too!
My daughter also does gymnastics, and I am so thankful I understand how the sport works so we're able to find ways to let her progress while preventing her fledgling gymnastics career from taking over our life. Most gyms assume you want your kid to move up to the next level and don't provide any information on alternatives; I've had to piece that together myself. I'm not sure I would be able to do that in a different sport.
This is so SPOT ON! Right along with giving kids phones at 10, I'm hoping the collective parenting world starts to aim back in time, a bit. Kids need to be kids.
And the phones! You're so right. The solution is collective action. It's our only hope. 💛
Yes, it's like a couple of parents up the ante with the phones and the sports and the [insert thing here]. We were all prepared for peer pressure in our teens, but it really does continue into adulthood.
What happened to kids doing activities simply for fun?
Fun?! What’s fun? You can’t put “fun” on a college application!
*actually, I’ll bet if someone wrote a killer essay about this exact topic and how they purposefully chose to have fun and try new things, they would get into the college of their choice. I will help anyone whose kid wants to write this essay, for real!
This was so good, Molly. It takes courage to write on topics like these, there's just so many emotions involved.
I've watched wearily as a family member has gone full into club sports and thus is unavailable for gatherings and parties because they're once again traveling to xyz for a necessary game. My kids are still little, so I think it's probably easy for me to fall into a place of judgment. Still, because of our family size and thus the limitations on cost, there is no way we could participate in this many events.
Yes, easy for us to say when our kids aren't quite at this age! But I do know that I personally don't think spending all our time/money/energy on one activity feels like something we as a family need. It's just a lot of pressure on everyone. I want to these kids to try different sports, learn to cook/clean, be bored, have an after school/summer job, etc. Also understanding that their parents are people, not Ubers/personal assistants (even though this is how I feel A LOT!).
Yes!! I feel you and I'm not even a parent! I hope more parents choose differently. Love the description of your high school job. I remember those days!
I loved that job so much and I learned a LOT of essential skills there. ❤️
We have disagreed with many parents as they tell us your 9 year old twins can’t play LaCrosse, Softball, Hockey, Tennis and Gymnastics they have to specialize. I say they love sports and trying new sports. They are sports kids and thrive. We feel that they can try it all and be the feral country kids they are playing independently for days at a time. And hike the superior trail one block at a time. Be part of kindness club and 4-H. Try it all figure out what you love-meet different people.
I have done so many things I said I wouldn’t do as a parent (I have full adult kiddos now too). I said I wouldn’t do their laundry forever and yet here I am being too lazy to teach them and would rather do it myself. I have fed my kids tacos or chicken nuggets 4 nights a week because they eat it and I’m tired. I said I would never miss something and yet I ditch out on field days-class trips-some sports events. I could go on-ha.
I'm sorry, but why are we trying to get kids to "specialize" in a sport? Do we think they're going to go pro? How many professional athletes do you know? FWIW, I love your approach!
Things I said I'd never do: Drive a minivan. Feed my kids the same shitty processed foods over and over. Excessive screen time. And for myself... let's just say I buy most of my shoes at an old person orthopedic shop.
My Moms friend told her I prayed my girls wouldn’t be stunningly beautiful just average. People expect more from you if you are stunning. I really took that to heart and have thought I Average is good. Average is fun. If you are having fun then we are good. It’s no longer fun then after your commitment is over we are done or maybe even right away depending on the situation.
I also said no Mini van however I miss mine-with two kids in college I couldn’t justify a new one when my 20 year old van died-first time in a 5 seat vehicle in 20 years.
BORING and AVERAGE is underrated! I love my boring life!
Between you and me, often I find really really ridiculously good looking people are actually pretty dull because they don't need to have great personalities. Is that the most judgmental thing you've read in awhile??
My husband loves our minivan. I like it fine, but prefer our zippy little VW wagon. :)
Thank you for saying something. I’ve been thinking this for years! Have you read “Take Back the Game” yet? You are onto something.
I was so nervous to even post this because people take sorts so seriously. It becomes the entire ecosystem for many families. Sports teach lessons, but so do many other things like reading and cooking and volunteering and hanging out in the woods. I haven’t heard of that book but will check it out!
Your piece took me inside the problem so vividly, and explained to me why my granddaughter didn't continue in gymnastics. Not just because we, even as an extended family, couldn't afford to continue paying $500 per month for her to merely participate, much less pay to compete (and excel *beyond belief* when she did, btw). But because her single working mom of 5 kids was already exhausted from. . . well, we can all do the math. A born gymnast, too, from Day 1.
Yep, the cost of activities is so prohibitively expensive for so many people. The time/energy/financial investment is only an available to small percentage of kids. Sometimes I wonder if that’s on purpose. 😔
It saddens me because sports involves, and helps kids develop, so many great life skills.
What if your kid has every chance to opt out, but at every turn they want to stay on the team? And isn't a heavy sports schedule exactly the kind of antidote we want for the phone zombie problem?
I guess, yeah, if the kid doesn't want to be there, and/or can't express their true feelings, or if the parent doesn't actually want to be there, I agree--big set of problems.
Yes i agree that if your kid and the parent are aligned— go for it! I feel like there are not a lot of options between specializing in one sport on one end of the spectrum, and being a zombie on screens on the other.
There’s just way less offered in the realm of rec sports or less competitive sports. For a lot of the high school teams, kids (starting in 7th grade!) are showing up to school at 6:30 am to workout before the day starts, and doing a few hours after school, too. What I think is missing is “in between” options for kids and parents who don’t want to devote their lives to sports, or for kids who want to try different sports/activities.
Okay, I see now. Yes, like where is the because-it's-fun team, I get it.
Yeah, so I have 4 kids…The expensive baton twirling and dance lessons worked out with a scholarship and a college she loves. My youngest (7 ) does travel soccer…it’s age appropriate, all games are around the Chicago ‘Burbs. But rec didn’t work for her, she would score 3-4 goals in a 6 minute period and then because of “fairness” rules the coach would make her play goalie, sit her out and tell her she couldn’t score anymore. Which, how do you tell a Kindergarten/First grader that? We do all the things…neighborhood summer swim team, tennis lessons, basketball in fall/winter, volleyball camps etc…no need to pick 1 sport right now. We definitely take it on a kid by kid basis. I agree with the no phones. Once you give a kid a phone you lose them. We don’t do phones for kids until High School.
I think it’s so cool that she’s able to do baton at college! It’s all about doing what’s right for your family, and if the time/financial commitment makes sense. I’ve found that it’s often *me* that’s the problem, where I look around and think “omg am I doing this wrong? Are we missing opportunities? Will my kids be too far behind once they find their thing?!” I find myself having to pause and assess whether or not life is working for everyone in our family— including us as parents, who have to do all the driving/waiting/spectating.
Also there are plenty of things our family spends time and money on that a lot of people wouldn’t— we travel a lot, even just to see family. It can be really stressful and time consuming, but it’s what works for us right now.
I can identify with this. When I grew up my brothers and I were the only kids within a mile and a half. Not that there were many adults within a mile and a half. We played Little League baseball (mostly for the hot dogs afterwards), rode our bikes everywhere, were constantly in the woods, skated on ponds, played hockey on ponds, and never went to any organized sports or camps or programs. There were none.
My kids were involved in youth orchestra and soccer. the music was good -- one child did become a professional musician -- but soccer was often discouraging, expensive and, ultimately, not that important to their lives. And yes, driving from Vermont to West Virginia to get whomped was not my, nor their, idea of fun.
So congrats to your sense of restraint.
g
We'll see how long I can keep the restraint going!
As a parent right now, I get so much messaging about how your kids need to do XYZ in order to get into a good college, so they can have a good life. It's like we're taking the fun out of being a kid in pursuit of continuing to not to have fun until you die (with your mountain of student loan debt). Too dark? 😂
For 12 years I ran a nonprofit to help kids write better (and teachers teach writing better). By the end of my time, I had noticed that a lot of the kids participated so they could get published by us (we had 22 newspaper and radio partners that published best work AND an annual anthology). Other organizations noticed the same pattern. It made us sad.
At the beginning of my nonprofit, the kids flocked to us because it was a community, a place to connect with birds of a feather, if you will. That, in my mind, was much healthier.
The external validation of getting recognition for your work is so, so real. I started my Substack for the same reason I originally began my blog of the same name in 2013: for myself. It helped me create a regular writing practice and hone my voice after years of ghostwriting. I am so grateful for it.
That said... sometimes I get lost in the stats, or wondering why people aren't commenting, or why I'm not growing as fast as other people, and whether or not I'm writing things people want to read. And then I have to pause and remember why I am doing this! Doing things for the pure joy of it isn't often rewarded unless you're slowing down and taking a moment to feel the appreciation.
well put. every last word.
but it’s also true that as a writer we want to be read.
be well. so glad i’ve learned about you.
gg
Thank you! And I’m glad I’ve learned about you :)
I am literally reading this from a mediocre hotel pool in Boston for my son's hockey tournament. 😂 Both my boys play lots of sports - one is innately much more competitive that the other, so we have lots of conversations about aligning pursuits with each kid's personalities (and of course our interest, willingness, and resources). I have way too many thoughts to put in a comment on Substack (none of them negative or judgemental or harsh). I love that you wrote this. 💛
I can picture the hotel pool perfectly! One thing I know is most parents will do whatever it takes to make their kids happy and fulfilled-- I am like that, too. I just wish we weren't upping the ante all the time, to the point where it feels like kids need to dedicate themselves fully to one thing or do nothing at all. And you touched on the most important thing, which is thinking more conscientiously about aligning pursuits with values/needs. Pausing to reassess is so important and hard to do when it feels like "everyone else is doing it" [as they hand you a cig in the alley behind 7-11].
You're right about some parents doing whatever it takes for a very precarious and unlikely end game. We see a lot of it! And how it can ruin relationships between kids and parents too when kids don't care enough, perform well enough, etc...
Totally. We can all picture that dad with the blood vessel popping in his forehead, screaming at the ref or coach or his own kid. Go to therapy already!
And anytime someone tells me they are "investing" in a college scholarship, I tell them they should instead put their money in a 529 plan. It's a way better investment!
Come on Jen, this strategy is just too practical! 😂
It is so true. Kids at our school are dropping out of the school sports teams because of their traveling teams. And they are in 6th grade! How are you becoming a single-sport athlete at 12?!? So many pro-athletes played multiple sports all through high school, which helped them become more well rounded and probably saved their bodies from overuse for a few more years.
Yes, we're acting like we must give every child a chance to be an teen Olympian. I just don't get the myopic approach here. And it's so much pressure to put on a kid, too!
My daughter also does gymnastics, and I am so thankful I understand how the sport works so we're able to find ways to let her progress while preventing her fledgling gymnastics career from taking over our life. Most gyms assume you want your kid to move up to the next level and don't provide any information on alternatives; I've had to piece that together myself. I'm not sure I would be able to do that in a different sport.