I changed my name once....and it felt like I didn't have the option not to? (and is maybe the first inkling that the marriage was not going to work)
I was blown away how easy it was to change it when getting married (aside from annoying appointments at DMV and Social Security Office and mailing in the passport). BUT UNDOING IT WHEN DIVORCED was a fucking nightmare. Same as above, but with the added bonus of having to get a certified copy of the divorce decree at the physical courthouse of the county you divorced to prove YOU WERE AWARDED YOUR OWN NAME BACK. Almost made me regret filing for like a minute?
I bought two, I keep one in my glove box because I still have to bust that bitch out FOUR years after it was finalized. I am currently needing to prove my Johnson-ness to the MN Department of Taxpayer services for the whole home I bought - alone - as Johnson - but will only recognize my home tax identity of my former name? What?
Favorite memory: Ex stated that people would question if I was my child's mother with a different last name and she could refuse me at school pick up. I noted that I went copy/paste hard into the youth and wasn't concerned, and I wanted his next woman of servitude to have the option to be the singular Mrs. Ex Husband, she deserved that privilege! Dick.
I am getting married in September - I asked my groom about the fateful name change choice, and was informed "do whatever you want, but it is not something I need, seems dumb". Hawt.
My only hang up is what if we have a headstone? Would that look weird? Why does it matter I would be dead? I think I will just put my ashes in a tree in one of those memory forests.
It was SO easy to change it when getting married... but after that, it's soooo awful! And the divorce stuff. Yuck. I wish we didn't encourage women to do this. You can still be a lovely wife and mother, no matter what name you go by.
Great Q about the headstone, but I agree-- who cares if you're dead! Fun (?) fact: Harry and Harriet Waldron, the couple who built our house, are buried down the street. His brother is there, too, and his tombstone just says "Charlie". I think that is just the best.
When my friend left her abusive husband and was going through the process of divorce, it was messy and dragged out. I was helping with the sale of their house and was absolutely horrified to find out that she had to wait until the divorce was finalized and for the judge to grant permission to have her maiden name back. Like WTF?!?! Every single time I had to write her married name on a legal document pertaining to the sale of the house, I cringed. It all seems so archaic and a further slap in the face of someone who had already been through so much trauma. No woman should have to prove anything or have to be “awarded” their own name back!!
It is so crazy how there are silent patriarchal controls that are completely unnoticed unless you experience them! I also liked Stephanie's comment above about the feeling of complete identity loss (I thought it was just me)
I wish you could post this on Twitter for all the right wingers who say "I changed my name when I got married and it was no biggie", deliberately confusing the issue.
The childcare costs, multiple trips and multiple processing fees ALONE... not everyone has that time and money.
I realized I left out other TWO bureaucratic stops I had to make in order to get certain documents. And the other thing is that had I not tried to get my Real ID, I would never have known about the error. You don't know about it until there is an issue.
I'm sure you're aware that Twitter is a cesspool and to expect blowback, just wanted to put that out there ;)
I forgot to say I thought it was weird that the DMV employee was questioning why you even wanted a Real ID, like, you have to get one sooner or later, why would she want you to wait (because it was more work for her, I assume).
Twitter is the grossest 😂 and yes, the fact that the first DMV person didn’t want to deal with this made me so angry. But then on my 3rd trip there, I understood why: it can be really hard to get a Real ID!
That was INSANE! Glad you survived it with most of your sanity in tack. My blood pressure shot through the roof when the judge wouldn't let Josh look up your lot number. WTF?! Thank god for public servants who have the courage to step up and do the right thing. I know so many people (mostly poor) who struggle to maintain current IDs. It's always something! Glad you shared your story. Preparing now for my renewal in July!
FOR REAL! Like a lot of people don't have an extra $46, let alone $500+!, to deal with this. Are you going to buy groceries for your kids, or get your ID renewed? If the government is going to make IDs required, they also need to make them easier to get (and probably should make them free).
What in the bureaucratic bullshit! I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’m also selfishly grateful I did not change my name. When my partner pushed back, I asked him if he would consider changing his name and… crickets.
Yup! And all the mini tasks required to change your name on your credit cards and banking info and frequent flyer account… I mean, what a effing racket!
Ugh. I feel you, that all dounds breathtakingly terrible. Married in 1988, I've only had the typical bureaucratic difficulties of having a hyphenated name (e.g. data systems that can't deal with hyphens). My last name has been Otto-Salaj, OttoSalaj, Otto Salaj, Ottosalaj, Otto'Salaj, even Otto-Salajapplejack (I spelled and sounded out my name to someone on the phone, to my detriment :D ). But the SAVE Act is a new hell realm. At this point in time, I would advise people to never change their names if they can help it, not even for marriage. It's just too risky, and asking for voter disenfranchisement.
Unless you really had to (and I get if you're trans or have a traumatic connection to your name), I would just leave it. The amount of work, time, energy and money I poured into this is just beyond. I think a lot of people would've fully given up. And now that our ability to be civically engaged hangs in the balance... it's just not worth it!
In my first marriage my husband more or less forced me to change my name. I was reluctant because his surname was a real bear (imagine multiple Zs). When we separated the first thing I did was change my name back. What no one tells you about changing your name is how you feel like you lose your identity. Not in a feminist way, but what felt to me a very concrete way. The person I was, and everything she did, was gone with my name. And that doesn't even cover all of the hassle of changing EVERYTHING with your maiden name.
Thank God my second husband said he didn't care if our last names matched. I'm happy to continue being "myself" for the rest of my life 😀
Your Lot Number? Lord I would be doomed. I am a Hansen who married a Johnson so I kept my name - it felt like Stephanie Hansen Johnson was a lot of Danish Swedish overload.
Danish Swedish overlord! 😂 when he asked about the lot number I almost stabbed my laptop. It was so awful! I think I’ll try for the real id again… but now will I have to bring all my name change info? 🫠
What a complete nightmare for you. I recall you mentioned a while back that you had a lot of trouble but I had no idea it was this much! I did not change my name and I haven't regretted it for a day. I work for the gov't (active duty service member stationed in HHS), and I would have had to change multiple IDs including my military ID, a personal and 'Official' passport, etc. NO THANK YOU! Also, I have a strong family identity and no offense to my husband whom I love very much, but his last name has nothing to do with who I am. We are not having kids so it wasn't an issue there. I am so sorry you had to go through that total s**t show for something that should have been straightforward, and you certainly didn't deserve rudeness from the judge. I will shout from the rooftops until my last breath to any woman - never change your name! (Unless it carries strong negative emotions/trauma due to family background and changing it will help you heal).
The process of changing it is NOT easy at all. I can't believe how much work it was, and that was even before I realized the error. April Hill FOREVER!
P.S. I should add that it helps having a super easy to understand and pronounce name. My husbands last name is 'Lelis' and no one can ever figure it out, pronounce it correctly, etc. So I also would not want to deal with that. Everyone can figure out Hill lol.
that sucks and sounds like multiple nightmares. I'm on the fence if I need one as I already have a Passport as well. My wife is fortunate to not have changed her name after we got married (for multiple reasons). She has a Passport as well.
But I know some people who have changed their name and may not have Passport, which it sounds like could go through something similar.
I am glad I took my husband's name. In the community I was raised/came of age in, the more favorable decision is to keep or hyphenate. My maiden name wasn't even a signifier of ancestry (like the name O'Brien can denote Irish heritage) as it was passed down by an enslaver. So changing my name was a no-brainer. I love that we are 'the DeGroot family.' I recall your challenges when changing your name. I wonder if the culprit was choosing to keep your maiden as your middle name? The only difficulty for me is that my surname is often mispronounced. I had it easy as "Harris," which I'll admit is a beautiful name, more unique than say "Anderson," but just as easy to say and spell.
Fully support your decision! If it's important to you to change it, do it. Plus, your maiden name came with so much generation trauma and baggage. No thank you! Goodbye, Harris!
I love that we are the Katt family, but I know I'd have been happy either way. For me, the many micro-tasks when I changed it the first time (social security office, bank accounts, credit cards, frequent flyer accounts), and then dealing with all of this was not worth the squeeze. I'm sure the fact that my name barely changed played a role... but mostly I think someone just made a mistake at work, and we all have done that, so I give them grace. But I wish they could've at least covered my parking fees :)
Dude. WTF. I changed mine because I ran into roadblocks at school and doctor appointments when my stepson was little. His birth mom was out of the picture. While I was the one handling everything, I was constantly met with resistance and told that his mom or dad would need to take care of whatever the situation was. It was a massive pain, so I decided to change my name before we had another baby. Now I question my decision. I feel for everyone this is going to impact. I feel like so many people will give up when they meet a roadblock, and that this is an added perk for those pushing for these new laws.
I get this! Not having the same name does make things more challenging, especially in your situation. I just wish we could be more compassionate and understanding instead of making women take on this not insignificant task (and now, civic risk!).
Boy can I relate. I changed my name when I got married in1983. Mine was a clerical error too I think the double middle name threw them back then. With real id I did the dance to get all of my id docs the same. What a mess. I ended up going to the Soc Security office to get it corrected. I faced the same condescending attitude but finally got it done dropping my maiden name altogether. Heartbreaking but after 40 years it’s ok. Wonder if it’s a Minnesota thing lol
Molly, OMG. When I got married (the first time) I changed my name from Ann Beecher to Ann Beecher-McDonald. Hilarity ensued as I had to update my notary license because I worked at a law firm and needed it… I feel for you, sister.
Seriously! I don’t dislike my “married” name and I love my husband, but I hate how many hoops we have to jump through. I wish someone had told me this when I was kinda on the fence about it. I couldve just gone by molly katt and legally never changed it. 🫠
I changed my name when I got married a zillion years ago. It was literally a change of two letters so I thought, why not. I got the Real ID around 2020, or maybe even before, when there were rumors that it was going to be required for flying.
The change of two letters seems extra challenging from a clerical error standpoint- like would be hard for everyone to miss! Glad you got your real ID painlessly :)
I changed my name once....and it felt like I didn't have the option not to? (and is maybe the first inkling that the marriage was not going to work)
I was blown away how easy it was to change it when getting married (aside from annoying appointments at DMV and Social Security Office and mailing in the passport). BUT UNDOING IT WHEN DIVORCED was a fucking nightmare. Same as above, but with the added bonus of having to get a certified copy of the divorce decree at the physical courthouse of the county you divorced to prove YOU WERE AWARDED YOUR OWN NAME BACK. Almost made me regret filing for like a minute?
I bought two, I keep one in my glove box because I still have to bust that bitch out FOUR years after it was finalized. I am currently needing to prove my Johnson-ness to the MN Department of Taxpayer services for the whole home I bought - alone - as Johnson - but will only recognize my home tax identity of my former name? What?
Favorite memory: Ex stated that people would question if I was my child's mother with a different last name and she could refuse me at school pick up. I noted that I went copy/paste hard into the youth and wasn't concerned, and I wanted his next woman of servitude to have the option to be the singular Mrs. Ex Husband, she deserved that privilege! Dick.
I am getting married in September - I asked my groom about the fateful name change choice, and was informed "do whatever you want, but it is not something I need, seems dumb". Hawt.
My only hang up is what if we have a headstone? Would that look weird? Why does it matter I would be dead? I think I will just put my ashes in a tree in one of those memory forests.
It was SO easy to change it when getting married... but after that, it's soooo awful! And the divorce stuff. Yuck. I wish we didn't encourage women to do this. You can still be a lovely wife and mother, no matter what name you go by.
Great Q about the headstone, but I agree-- who cares if you're dead! Fun (?) fact: Harry and Harriet Waldron, the couple who built our house, are buried down the street. His brother is there, too, and his tombstone just says "Charlie". I think that is just the best.
When my friend left her abusive husband and was going through the process of divorce, it was messy and dragged out. I was helping with the sale of their house and was absolutely horrified to find out that she had to wait until the divorce was finalized and for the judge to grant permission to have her maiden name back. Like WTF?!?! Every single time I had to write her married name on a legal document pertaining to the sale of the house, I cringed. It all seems so archaic and a further slap in the face of someone who had already been through so much trauma. No woman should have to prove anything or have to be “awarded” their own name back!!
That is so icky!
It is so crazy how there are silent patriarchal controls that are completely unnoticed unless you experience them! I also liked Stephanie's comment above about the feeling of complete identity loss (I thought it was just me)
That is so true. If men had to do this, we wouldn't have to do this.
PS Have you noticed there is currently ONE man in this comment section, and it's my amazing Guncle?!
Fun Fact: Uncle Brian lives rent free in my positive memories :) I believe he took me to my first drag theater performance!
Sounds about right!
I am clearly bored at work, thanks for coming to my TedTalk.
I wish you could post this on Twitter for all the right wingers who say "I changed my name when I got married and it was no biggie", deliberately confusing the issue.
The childcare costs, multiple trips and multiple processing fees ALONE... not everyone has that time and money.
Yes, exactly! And I can post it on Twitter :)
I realized I left out other TWO bureaucratic stops I had to make in order to get certain documents. And the other thing is that had I not tried to get my Real ID, I would never have known about the error. You don't know about it until there is an issue.
I'm sure you're aware that Twitter is a cesspool and to expect blowback, just wanted to put that out there ;)
I forgot to say I thought it was weird that the DMV employee was questioning why you even wanted a Real ID, like, you have to get one sooner or later, why would she want you to wait (because it was more work for her, I assume).
Twitter is the grossest 😂 and yes, the fact that the first DMV person didn’t want to deal with this made me so angry. But then on my 3rd trip there, I understood why: it can be really hard to get a Real ID!
That was INSANE! Glad you survived it with most of your sanity in tack. My blood pressure shot through the roof when the judge wouldn't let Josh look up your lot number. WTF?! Thank god for public servants who have the courage to step up and do the right thing. I know so many people (mostly poor) who struggle to maintain current IDs. It's always something! Glad you shared your story. Preparing now for my renewal in July!
FOR REAL! Like a lot of people don't have an extra $46, let alone $500+!, to deal with this. Are you going to buy groceries for your kids, or get your ID renewed? If the government is going to make IDs required, they also need to make them easier to get (and probably should make them free).
What in the bureaucratic bullshit! I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’m also selfishly grateful I did not change my name. When my partner pushed back, I asked him if he would consider changing his name and… crickets.
Yup! And all the mini tasks required to change your name on your credit cards and banking info and frequent flyer account… I mean, what a effing racket!
Ugh. I feel you, that all dounds breathtakingly terrible. Married in 1988, I've only had the typical bureaucratic difficulties of having a hyphenated name (e.g. data systems that can't deal with hyphens). My last name has been Otto-Salaj, OttoSalaj, Otto Salaj, Ottosalaj, Otto'Salaj, even Otto-Salajapplejack (I spelled and sounded out my name to someone on the phone, to my detriment :D ). But the SAVE Act is a new hell realm. At this point in time, I would advise people to never change their names if they can help it, not even for marriage. It's just too risky, and asking for voter disenfranchisement.
Unless you really had to (and I get if you're trans or have a traumatic connection to your name), I would just leave it. The amount of work, time, energy and money I poured into this is just beyond. I think a lot of people would've fully given up. And now that our ability to be civically engaged hangs in the balance... it's just not worth it!
In my first marriage my husband more or less forced me to change my name. I was reluctant because his surname was a real bear (imagine multiple Zs). When we separated the first thing I did was change my name back. What no one tells you about changing your name is how you feel like you lose your identity. Not in a feminist way, but what felt to me a very concrete way. The person I was, and everything she did, was gone with my name. And that doesn't even cover all of the hassle of changing EVERYTHING with your maiden name.
Thank God my second husband said he didn't care if our last names matched. I'm happy to continue being "myself" for the rest of my life 😀
Yes!!! So many hassles. It’s unbelievably tedious. And you are so right about the loss of your identity. It’s tricky!
Your Lot Number? Lord I would be doomed. I am a Hansen who married a Johnson so I kept my name - it felt like Stephanie Hansen Johnson was a lot of Danish Swedish overload.
Danish Swedish overlord! 😂 when he asked about the lot number I almost stabbed my laptop. It was so awful! I think I’ll try for the real id again… but now will I have to bring all my name change info? 🫠
What a complete nightmare for you. I recall you mentioned a while back that you had a lot of trouble but I had no idea it was this much! I did not change my name and I haven't regretted it for a day. I work for the gov't (active duty service member stationed in HHS), and I would have had to change multiple IDs including my military ID, a personal and 'Official' passport, etc. NO THANK YOU! Also, I have a strong family identity and no offense to my husband whom I love very much, but his last name has nothing to do with who I am. We are not having kids so it wasn't an issue there. I am so sorry you had to go through that total s**t show for something that should have been straightforward, and you certainly didn't deserve rudeness from the judge. I will shout from the rooftops until my last breath to any woman - never change your name! (Unless it carries strong negative emotions/trauma due to family background and changing it will help you heal).
The process of changing it is NOT easy at all. I can't believe how much work it was, and that was even before I realized the error. April Hill FOREVER!
P.S. I should add that it helps having a super easy to understand and pronounce name. My husbands last name is 'Lelis' and no one can ever figure it out, pronounce it correctly, etc. So I also would not want to deal with that. Everyone can figure out Hill lol.
that sucks and sounds like multiple nightmares. I'm on the fence if I need one as I already have a Passport as well. My wife is fortunate to not have changed her name after we got married (for multiple reasons). She has a Passport as well.
But I know some people who have changed their name and may not have Passport, which it sounds like could go through something similar.
I am glad I took my husband's name. In the community I was raised/came of age in, the more favorable decision is to keep or hyphenate. My maiden name wasn't even a signifier of ancestry (like the name O'Brien can denote Irish heritage) as it was passed down by an enslaver. So changing my name was a no-brainer. I love that we are 'the DeGroot family.' I recall your challenges when changing your name. I wonder if the culprit was choosing to keep your maiden as your middle name? The only difficulty for me is that my surname is often mispronounced. I had it easy as "Harris," which I'll admit is a beautiful name, more unique than say "Anderson," but just as easy to say and spell.
Fully support your decision! If it's important to you to change it, do it. Plus, your maiden name came with so much generation trauma and baggage. No thank you! Goodbye, Harris!
I love that we are the Katt family, but I know I'd have been happy either way. For me, the many micro-tasks when I changed it the first time (social security office, bank accounts, credit cards, frequent flyer accounts), and then dealing with all of this was not worth the squeeze. I'm sure the fact that my name barely changed played a role... but mostly I think someone just made a mistake at work, and we all have done that, so I give them grace. But I wish they could've at least covered my parking fees :)
Dude. WTF. I changed mine because I ran into roadblocks at school and doctor appointments when my stepson was little. His birth mom was out of the picture. While I was the one handling everything, I was constantly met with resistance and told that his mom or dad would need to take care of whatever the situation was. It was a massive pain, so I decided to change my name before we had another baby. Now I question my decision. I feel for everyone this is going to impact. I feel like so many people will give up when they meet a roadblock, and that this is an added perk for those pushing for these new laws.
I get this! Not having the same name does make things more challenging, especially in your situation. I just wish we could be more compassionate and understanding instead of making women take on this not insignificant task (and now, civic risk!).
Eegads. Another reason never to get in an airplane again. (Heading to check what names are on my drivers license and passport.)
I feel like you would know at this point, but... yes go look just in case!
Boy can I relate. I changed my name when I got married in1983. Mine was a clerical error too I think the double middle name threw them back then. With real id I did the dance to get all of my id docs the same. What a mess. I ended up going to the Soc Security office to get it corrected. I faced the same condescending attitude but finally got it done dropping my maiden name altogether. Heartbreaking but after 40 years it’s ok. Wonder if it’s a Minnesota thing lol
UGH. The social security office is an experience! I just don't think it would be this hard if men were expected to change their names.
What a nightmare! I never changed my name because the one I was given at birth is hard enough.
It was such a mess! And the thing that really got me was that I'd been married almost a decade and had NO IDEA that someone had made a mistake.
Molly, OMG. When I got married (the first time) I changed my name from Ann Beecher to Ann Beecher-McDonald. Hilarity ensued as I had to update my notary license because I worked at a law firm and needed it… I feel for you, sister.
Seriously! I don’t dislike my “married” name and I love my husband, but I hate how many hoops we have to jump through. I wish someone had told me this when I was kinda on the fence about it. I couldve just gone by molly katt and legally never changed it. 🫠
I changed my name when I got married a zillion years ago. It was literally a change of two letters so I thought, why not. I got the Real ID around 2020, or maybe even before, when there were rumors that it was going to be required for flying.
The change of two letters seems extra challenging from a clerical error standpoint- like would be hard for everyone to miss! Glad you got your real ID painlessly :)